Exhaustion

I have hit a wall metaphorically in my life: mentally and physically. I am trying to be "perfect" and its not working. I am trying to be there for everyone. Henry in his illness, my father in HIS illness and his loneliness, Henry's parents in their worry, my friends, my family, work.
I cannot do it anymore. Feel like I am breaking down. I feel like I need a day's sleep and some deep meditation or prayer.
I am not getting enough sleep. I am eating too much. Crying constantly.
Henry is miserable. He is tired and feels like hell and then I am at the brunt of his misery.  He apologizes and I get it. I would be miserable too. I would probably be worse.

I need some space or to be out in the sun maybe.  But more likely I just need sleep.
Another MM caregiver said to take care of myself now because once I am home, I am gonna be busier. When I first read that, I almost burst out crying. I am busy from 7 am until midnight. I may be in the hospital, but I am helping Henry, getting him food or drinks to trying to work while he is sleeping.  I don't know how I am gonna be able to do it.

Family Abandonment...

I am baffled at how some people in my life have completely abandoned me. I have done so much for them over the years and worried and helped.
Yet, they have not called or texted or even emailed to see how Henry feels or how I am doing.

Unbelievably hurtful.

I am not going to say anything until we are home and then I will be writing a letter/email and let them know that I am beyond them now.

It is December 10th. Just 15 days, two weeks until Christmas. Let me start by telling you I am no writer. Never have been. However, in my present circumstances, I feel the need to start a blog. To share my journey. To tell you of my own Chapter 2.

I met the love of my life in 2011. I was 40 and starting a new chapter in my life. I had moved back to my childhood hometown 4 years prior and just begun dating again. Our relationship began complicated but yet seemed simple at the same time.
He was seeing someone else and because of the person he was, he wanted to end it with her the right way.
I was infuriated that he didn't pick me and I ended the friendship/relationship. Out of the blue in March of 2012, he contacted me again. He was single and would I give him another chance.
And so I did and on July 3rd, he asked me to marry him. 
We traveled well together. My fiance loved to compete in BBQ competitions. We loved to be together. Rare arguments, lots of laughs. Then we tied the knot on October 13th, 2012. The happiest day of my life.
Now my Chapter 2 of my happy life could begin!

SCREETCH! Whoa! Put on the brakes!

Just one month later, my husband, smoking 13 turkeys on Thanksgiving, suffered excruciating pain in his lower back. It was so bad that I had to call the EMT's the following morning to help us get him to the hospital.Then the diagnosis. 

CANCER!

Whoa. What? Multiple Myeloma, What is that?

Day +3 Feeling Anxious

And so it begins. Henry is starting to feel sick. He was a tad bit nauseous and had diarrhea last night. He tries to blame his cold dinner last night but I know the truth and so does he. The white blood cell counts have dropped by half... Overnight.
I am anxious and nervous. I feel like, to quote Tennessee Williams, a cat on a hot tin roof. Jumpy/ He got no sleep, aka he will be cranky. I feel the need to self-editorialize. The need to be gentle but not mothering.
I took my time at breakfast this morning because he told me he was going to be sleeping. However, true to hospital protocol, they never quit bothering him. Sigh.
So my agenda today is maybe watch some episodes from Call of the Midwife on PBS on my computer. With headphones on.
I feel very alone at this very moment. Not one of my friends understands, my family is clueless and Facebook is in the dark. I could call on of my MM people for encouragement but don't feel like I know them well enough. So I wait. I wait and see what happens.